It's day 110. I sit in a rocking chair holding my daughter. She is awake, but drowsy. She stares up at me and I look down at her. I look at her big blue eyes. They are darker than mine but I think they will stay blue. She is so beautiful- so... perfect. It's almost time to go. Look how big she is now. She used to be so tiny her hand was no bigger than my thumbnail. I tell her how much I love her and how much I am going to miss her tonight. I promise her that I will be back tomorrow and that daddy will come too. I rock her and sing her our lullaby one more time for the day. When it is over I give her one more kiss and stand as gently as possible. I place my baby in her crib careful not to wake her. I can't leave when she is awake- it breaks my heart to see her watch me walk away. I arrange all of her cords and tubes and quietly slide the side rail up. I tell her nurse that I won't be able to come back tonight but I will call to check on her. I say my good byes and I walk to the door. I stop and I turn around for one last look. She is still asleep. I linger for a moment, push back tears and force myself to walk down the hall and out of the NICU. I check my voicemail while I wait for an elevator. One message. It's from Shawn. He wants to know how Kennedy's day was. I call him back while I walk to the car. As I unlock the door I tell him how much she weighed, how well she did eating, and the results from the MRI. We say I love you and hang up. I put the key in the ignition but i hesitate for a minute before I turn it. I can see it. I can sit in that chair with my daughter and I can see the finish line. It's so close I can almost touch it. Almost. It's there, but its just out of my grasp. I head out of the parking lot and towards the freeway. I hope I don't get stuck in Vegas traffic. It's a three day weekend. I'm at a stop light. I start to cry. I am going home empty handed again. There is a car seat behind me, but no baby. I have to go home to an empty room filled with her stuff. An empty crib and a dresser full of clothes and diapers, but no baby to put them on. Green Light. Turn left. Now right. Now left again onto the freeway. Try to stop crying. If I don't stop crying I wont be able to see to drive. Everything is ok. I tell my self not to be so selfish. Some parents don't ever get to take their baby home. One couple didn't even get to hold their baby before he passed away. At least my baby is still alive. She will come home, just not today. Leaving never gets easier. 110 days and its still just as hard as the first. I pray. Please God help me get through just one more day.

Just for Fun

Kennedy is doing well today. The flow on her oxygen is down to 1/4 liter. Hopefully she will do well enough to go down some more and not need oxygen when she comes home. Speaking of coming home- the only thing keeping Kennedy at the hospital right now is feeding. They say if she can get up to 2/3 full feedings (60ccs)by bottle they might consider sending her home with the NJ tube for continuous feedings by pump for what she couldn't eat with a bottle. So now that there is talk of going home how about a poll about when she is going to come home? Post a comment with the day you think Kennedy will come home. Once a day is taken it cannot be used again.

Shawn picks September 11th
I pick September 22

Winner gets the satisfaction of being right!

Home again and up on a soap box!

So after 70 days in the Ronald McDonald House I came home this past Tuesday. Being down there by myself had gotten to be too stressful. Now I am back at my house and driving daily to be with Kennedy. I am hoping it will give me a few hours of mental down time each day. I loved being so close to her, but at the same time when the hospital is literally 2 minutes away you can never seem to just let your mind relax. I have seen the doctor and I am also trying to find some version of mother's little helper that will take me through this with my sanity still intact.
Yesterday Jenn had some wedding stuff to do in the area so she took me down the hill. While we were having lunch she told me about a person on the baby center board that her sister visits who pretended to have a preemie so that she could collect donations and keep the money. She even stole pictures of other peoples preemies and posted them as her own. I cannot express how disgusted I was to hear this. I wish I could have five minutes alone with that person. No one- and I mean NO ONE other than another micro preemie mom can even begin to imagine what we go through on a daily basis. I have respect for every parent in the NICU and I am sure their time there is the most trying time of their lives, but don't even try to tell me you know how difficult and hard it is to do this because your kid was in the NICU for a week, or two or even a month. They have no idea. 15 weeks- 105 days- that's close to 1/3 of a year. That's how long my child has been away from me. That's how long I have wished every night for her to be home, have prayed that she will be ok for just one more day, that I have spent between 3 and 10 (but most often 6) hours a day in the hospital watching my daughter hooked up to monitors. I don't sleep at night unless I'm medicated. Most of the moms on my mircro preemie board are on some type of anxiety or anti-depression medication, most have had some counseling and and some have been diagnosed with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. I don't mind admitting my weaknesses. I think it makes you a stronger person to be able to do so and I don't say it so people can pity me. The last thing I want or need right now is pity. I say it because I want that person to know or anyone else who might even consider doing something like that to know what kind of situation they are taking advantage of. I suppose there have to be all types in the world to make it work, but I have faith that Karma will take care of this person.

Ok Im stepping off my soapbox now.

Video

Shawn fixed the video so give it another try if you haven't see it yet. :0)

How Preemie Moms are Chosen

~*~How Preemie Moms Are Chosen~*~
(Erma Bombeck)

Did you ever wonder how the mothers of premature babies are chosen?
Somehow, I visualize God hovering over Earth, selecting his instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation. As he observes, he instructs his angels to take notes in a giant ledger.
"Armstrong, Beth, son. Patron Saint, Matthew.
Forrest, Marjorie, daughter. Patron Saint, Celia.
Rutledge, Carrie, twins. Patron Saint...give her Gerard. He's used to profanity."
Finally, he passes a name to an angel and smiles.
"Give her a preemie." The angel is curious. "Why this one, God?
She's so happy."
"Exactly," smiles God.
"Could I give a premature baby a mother who knows no laughter? That would be cruel."
"But does she have the patience?" asks the angel.
"I don't want her to have too much patience, or she'll drown in a sea of self-pity and despair.
Once the shock and resentment wear off, she'll handle it.
I watched her today. She has that sense of self and independence so rare and so necessary in a mother.
You see, the child I'm going to give her has a world of its own.
She has to make it live in her world, and that's not going to be easy."
"But Lord, I don't think she even believes in you."
God smiles. "No matter, I can fix that. This one is perfect She has just the right amount of selfishness."
The angel gasps, "Selfishness?! Is that a virtue?"
God nods. "If she can't separate herself from the child occasionally, she will never survive.
Yes, here is a woman whom I will bless with a child less than perfect.
She doesn't know it yet, but she is to be envied.
She will never take for granted a spoken word.
She will never consider a step ordinary.
When her child says momma for the first time,
she will be witness to a miracle and know it.
I will permit her to see clearly the things I see--
ignorance, cruelty, prejudice--
and allow her to rise above them.
She will never be alone.
I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life
because she is doing my work as surely as she is here by my side."
"And what about her Patron Saint?" asks the angel, his pen poised in the air.
God smiles. "A mirror will suffice."

Kennedy's 1st Nipple Feeding.

IT TAKES A FEW MINUTES TO LOAD AND PLAY ALL THE WAY THROUGH SO BE PATIENT.