It's day 110. I sit in a rocking chair holding my daughter. She is awake, but drowsy. She stares up at me and I look down at her. I look at her big blue eyes. They are darker than mine but I think they will stay blue. She is so beautiful- so... perfect. It's almost time to go. Look how big she is now. She used to be so tiny her hand was no bigger than my thumbnail. I tell her how much I love her and how much I am going to miss her tonight. I promise her that I will be back tomorrow and that daddy will come too. I rock her and sing her our lullaby one more time for the day. When it is over I give her one more kiss and stand as gently as possible. I place my baby in her crib careful not to wake her. I can't leave when she is awake- it breaks my heart to see her watch me walk away. I arrange all of her cords and tubes and quietly slide the side rail up. I tell her nurse that I won't be able to come back tonight but I will call to check on her. I say my good byes and I walk to the door. I stop and I turn around for one last look. She is still asleep. I linger for a moment, push back tears and force myself to walk down the hall and out of the NICU. I check my voicemail while I wait for an elevator. One message. It's from Shawn. He wants to know how Kennedy's day was. I call him back while I walk to the car. As I unlock the door I tell him how much she weighed, how well she did eating, and the results from the MRI. We say I love you and hang up. I put the key in the ignition but i hesitate for a minute before I turn it. I can see it. I can sit in that chair with my daughter and I can see the finish line. It's so close I can almost touch it. Almost. It's there, but its just out of my grasp. I head out of the parking lot and towards the freeway. I hope I don't get stuck in Vegas traffic. It's a three day weekend. I'm at a stop light. I start to cry. I am going home empty handed again. There is a car seat behind me, but no baby. I have to go home to an empty room filled with her stuff. An empty crib and a dresser full of clothes and diapers, but no baby to put them on. Green Light. Turn left. Now right. Now left again onto the freeway. Try to stop crying. If I don't stop crying I wont be able to see to drive. Everything is ok. I tell my self not to be so selfish. Some parents don't ever get to take their baby home. One couple didn't even get to hold their baby before he passed away. At least my baby is still alive. She will come home, just not today. Leaving never gets easier. 110 days and its still just as hard as the first. I pray. Please God help me get through just one more day.